Breaking the Cycle: How to Heal Generational Trauma Through Repairing the Mother-Daughter Bond

I would dare to start this post by asserting that you, same as me, have grown up in an environment where the family dynamics weren't the healthiest or easiest ones. A family that tests your capacities, your unique appreciation, and the way you desire to walk in this world. It almost seems like a bad joke made by a comedian God, where your closest environment is a very distant selection of characters with whom you find nothing in common; you feel like an ET, the odd one. But I'm going to be honest with you; the truth goes beyond merely being an act of fate where you were given by mistake to the wrong nest.

We, as divine beings, have nothing to fear at a soul level; we decide the lessons and experiences we want to go through in a determinate time and space to evolve and return to the greatest understanding of all: we are already everything, and everything is us. The type of family and the parents we choose are the foundation of what will be the first level of lessons in our human life. I want you to have this in mind as there aren't mistakes in this perfect universal dance. You probably decided to incarnate in this human plane with the challenge of restoring the harmony in your lineage by being born into a family that is opposite to what it seems you are.

(If you want to delve deeper into this understanding of the lessons chosen by your soul, I want to share this book with you: Your Soul's Plan by Robert Schwartz. It will explain and change your perspective about your life challenges, certainly, it did with mine when I discovered it 14 years ago).

This perspective may be a bit hard to digest for the logical mind, but I want you to open your limits and allow yourself to finish this post and, by the end, gain a new set of glasses where you can see your life with a more responsible and loving approach, far away from the idea that you are a victim in this world.

I know feeling like a victim is how we feel when, in our childhood and teenage years, our trust has been overpassed by our parents or even as adults who are constantly on a battlefield with them.

I was also once in that place, where repeatedly I was wearing gloves 24-7 ready to fight my mom to make myself heard by all force and get her approval. I was the first child of a decaying marriage, the only girl, and the one always pointed out as too much. During my childhood, I was continually told how difficult I was and how much I challenged my parents because I was different from what was expected of me as a child. Growing up in a divided environment where my parents decided to take different paths, I was mainly raised by my mother, who barely had time to accompany my highly sensitive and emotional way of sensing the world; she was busy trying to fill the void of the masculine figure in our household.

My mom, like yours, probably comes from a generation where the main goal is to survive, get a title, get a job, get a house, get married, and you win. But my mother didn't have that; her marriage was broken, her job wasn't her dream life, and she had to develop tough skin to raise two little ones. The reason I'm telling you this is that healing the relationship with your mom (or dad) starts by acknowledging where they come from, their story, life experiences, and their beliefs. Healing cannot happen when we don't hold space for compassion and forgiveness with ourselves and those who hurt us.

Yes, my relationship with my mom was one of the hellish ones; it was difficult and painful if I'm honest. I never felt understood and appreciated by her when I was growing up; every time I tried to make a point or talk to her, the conversation turned into a loud concert of screaming back and forth, ending with the door slamming shut. Living on this battlefield forced me to be an early bird and leave my home in my early 20s, something very atypical for Latino culture. It forced me to be independent, find my way to make a living from a very young age, and hit the streets to experience the hardships of the world without my mama's financial support and protection.

I didn't talk to my mom for over a year, and I blamed her for how difficult and unhearted she was with me; this has been one of the most difficult relationships I had to deal with in this life. I held trauma and I was wounded for a long time, but the healing between us started when I stopped pointing fingers and decided to step into her shoes for a second, listening to what she had to say. Then slowly, like any process building harmony and respect between each other came to life. But this was a process of time, patience, and unconditional love, among inner work. Even today, I keep working on myself and bringing awareness to our relationship.

This is what I want to share with you today, not my secrets but the tools that made my process to heal my relationship with my mom possible. I believe that if you have come this far, it means you are ready to create the change in your legacy you are meant to, you are willing to break the toxic story where you cannot stand your parents, so you move far away, and every time you see them for Christmas the family drama flares up. It seems the only connection you have is the blood one.

Let me start with an important reminder: any type of inner work you undertake, like healing wounds and changing the narrative of your stories, has a profound ripple and timeless effect on your past and future generations. Apart from the benefits you receive, there are multiple people in your lineage who are positively affected.

Should we start?

ESSENTIALS TO HEAL GENERATIONAL TRAUMA THROUGH REPAIRING THE MOTHER AND DAUGHTER BOND:

1.Recognition, addressing the stories of the other part for a limited time:

As I mentioned before, the first and fundamental step to any sort of healing work requires acknowledgment of the other counterpart. Seeing and understanding without judgment is the perspective that the other person has brought to the table. You need to become a neutral observer and a listener without emotional participation, holding real compassion, where your heart is wide open, and you hug the other even if you disagree with the filters they use to drive their lives.

My mom and I never agreed, at least not in my first 20 years of this human life, about how life should be lived. She couldn't appreciate or relate to my spiritual processes or my interest in breaking from what other people believed was right. I was the black sheep of my family for a long time, always acting against the grain; I was seen as a renegade with a lost cause. But when I decided to stop making the situation about me and how hurt I was, I opened my heart to listen. I allowed myself to hear the other side of the story I didn't have; I became conscious of her baggage, remembering that people behave based on the information they carry around, meaning: their beliefs, life experiences, cultural customs, and daily habits. By opening the door to this side of the story, I could gather new information that would give me the possibility to bring healing between us. Why? Because you can't heal something you do not understand at the root; getting acknowledgment of my mom's story was required to get to the root of the problem.

2. Forgiveness is key:

There are two possibilities from which you can choose. In the first one, I'm not going to lie, the uncomfortable conversations are going to happen to bring space and forgiveness side by side. If you choose to go with this one, creating a space to allow both parties to express their feelings and requirements while the heart remains wide open is a must. I know this option gets us on our nerves; no one likes to confront and deal with conflict, but I can ensure you that it is possible, and if you have the chance to deal with your mom (or dad) in person, don't doubt; this has a big impact and creates the opportunity for growth for both. Although, the two of you need to be willing to change and go into this healing space.

I do understand that sometimes our parents, for as much as we love them, aren't consciously ready to create a new narrative with us, or even they aren't ready to get out of the victim space. In this case, you may require a second solution I'm going to explain to you right away. Thanks to the fact that everything is energy, and energy is in us, even forming our little cells and molecules that create our physical box, we can use energy transfer tools to erase, transmute, and change the bonds we have with other people, which becomes even stronger when we have strong connections with them, as we do with our parents.

The first tool is called Ho'oponopono, a Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness that involves expressing remorse, asking for forgiveness, expressing gratitude, and expressing love to heal and transform relationships. With this tool, you do not need the other person's consent or presence. This practice uses energy transfer to heal, as it recognizes that we are one with everything, and everything is us.

Repeat these affirmations (no amount or limit is set up) :

I am sorry.

Forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you.

What is important while using this practice is the feeling, the intention behind what you are sending out. Ho'oponopono is a simple but powerful tool to use when done with the right heart. It doesn't matter if you repeat it hundreds of times if there isn't an honest feeling, the intention to release and let go of the past.

The second tool you can utilize to bring forgiveness when the other person isn't in the same boat as you is called Hon Sha Ze Sho Ne, a reiki symbol utilized for distance healing, which transcends time and space, making a great tool when willing to bring healing and forgiveness to any past or present situation. The way I'll recommend using it isn't merely by drawing it and thinking about your quest, but I encourage you to write a letter to your mom or dad, a letter you would honestly like them to read, don't take anything back, and once you finalize the letter, draw the symbol on the corner of the letter and repeat the following phrase:

"There is no past, there is no present or future. The past, present, and future are one. The divinity in me salutes the divinity in you."

You can repeat by looking at the symbol or closing your eyes while visualizing, but remember like anything done while maneuvering energy, the intention is the key.

Reiki Symbol For Healing, Photo by Jencerero ©

3. Building a new paradigm, a new story on the horizon:

After the hard parts, the easiest but most consistent are to come, to bring harmony and create new narratives, bringing new information into the space is vital. Forgiveness has taken place and the space for a new connection to be born has been given. I want to mention that this stage of the process is something that can take years, even decades, as you will never stop building and working for a relationship, mostly one that has been repaired.

This is part of the process where I'm still at, where every time I get together with my mom physically or by call, I go back to the intention and put in the work. Here is where I rewrite the story step by step by bringing new ways of engaging and being with her. Here, I put in the effort to not repeat and go back to the old ways, where I stop before the triggers are pulled. In this part, we invite new experiences to create new memories that slowly fade out of the old ones. Here is the part where I have consciously decided to make my mom part of my life again, after years of living abroad and keeping my distance; I have found ways to make her part of my world and be part of hers. This has been a conscious decision of mine, mostly after I became a mom as well.

My mom lives miles away from me, and this may or may not make it a bit easier for me, as I get to focus more on the present, enjoying and making the most of the time we get. Although we still have those moments where we disagree with each other and get bothered by the other, my relationship has changed for the good, and this has been the result of putting in the intention, the inner work, and taking conscious action to re-script our relationship. I have no doubts about the influence this has had on our lineage. After years, I have become a witness to her spiritual transformation, something I never thought possible to be witnessing.

At the moment, you may not be close to that stage; you may be in a place where the chaos requires inner action and distance to let everything take its place. You may still live with your mom or see her very often with little chance to take a break. Despite that fact, I want to confirm that the work starts with you, and taking the first step already creates a ripple effect for another direction, another way. It may take longer, and it may never get to the 3 stages where you get to rewrite the narrative, as I'm pretty much aware that this part of the process requires two active participants, but what I can without hesitation share is that giving yourself the permission to do your part and restore the bond, the story of your lineage will be another one.

That's the power of healing; it transcends time and space, creating space for new ways to thrive.

*Dedicated to my mom, thank you for being a channel to arrive on this planet and be the catalyst of my initial awakening for change. ♡♡♡

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About me

I'm an Intuitive healer, Voice-Writing Angelic Channel, Conscious Lifestyle & Fashion Influencer , Blogger, & mom. After facing bulimia disorder, trauma from abortion, depression, childhood abandonment, ancestral trauma, toxic relationships, and a poor and victim mindset, I decided to take responsibility for my life, stop the struggle, and create a new life design in alignment with my soul.

Over 14 years of inner work, I discovered the importance of understanding that we are MULTIDIMENSIONAL BEINGS: body, emotions, mind, energy, soul & more. ​We need to heal and integrate every part of our multidimensionality in order to transform with long-lasting results & design the life we desire. Today I keep teaching the basis of self-healing, spiritual transformation, and lifestyle design to use in real life while balancing my role as the mom of Zen.

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